New Year and New Life

The title should really say, “New Year and What Life!”  It’s been almost 5 years since I penned my last post, and life took over to the point that I completely forgot about my blog.  I was reminded of it a few days ago, and as I re-read my previous posts, it brought back so many memories and at times made me wonder who wrote them–oh that’s right, I did!  I feel like such a different person from who I was 5 years ago, but in so many ways I’m still the same. 

As I tried to figure out how I would embark on my re-introduction to the blogosphere, I found a 1/1/2015 draft post that has been waiting for over 4 years to be published.  It was unfinished, but I am still posting it (untouched) because it gives a recap of some of the big changes that have occurred in my life. I’ll spare you the details (which could actually be turned into a NYT best- selling book) about my life over the past 5 years and instead allow you to find out as I get back to penning my thoughts:

New Year and New Life

What a whirlwind 2014 it has been!  I wouldn’t change any of it, and as I reflect on it, 2014 was a year of new beginnings and embracing the unknown.

Some people aren’t into New Year’s resolutions, and typically I’m not either.  But I’ve realized that as I embark on each new year, my lofty goals/resolutions can become lost in the shuffle of the daily grind of life.  Last year, I blogged about the things that I hoped to accomplish in 2014.  It was a hefty list of the top 14 things that I wanted to ensure that I stuck to, and for the most part, I did!

I titled the post “New Year New Things” but not all of the items were new, some were goals that I simply wanted to work harder toward achieving and they all boil down to self-improvement.  Here’s how I made out with last year’s list:

Purchase a home – Four months into 2014, I finally found the house I was willing to purchase.  At the time it was merely a plot of land with dirt.  The wait to see the finished product seemed like it took forever; but a few weeks ago, I was finally able to call myself a homeowner of a beautiful 4-story townhome.

2.  Listen more say less – This one is always a challenge and something that I will constantly have to work on.  But I learned something new as I worked through this resolution–I discovered that not everything that someone says is worthy of you hearing.  Sometimes you have to filter out the noise and trust your own voice.

Spend more time with family – I rang in 2014 with an amazing trip to South Africa with my mother.  It was great mother-daughter bonding time and one of the few times we’ve taken a trip with just the two of us.  I also lived with my sister for a few months while my home was being completed.  I don’t think we’ve lived under the same roof since she left for college.

Love fearlessly/Embrace my vulnerability – I was very committed to this one last year, but not sure how much I stepped outside of my comfort zone.  Nevertheless, sometimes the universe helps us when we try to get in our own way.  I’m in love with the most amazing man who accepts my flaws, inspires me to be myself and nurtures my vulnerability.  I don’t want to paint a totally flowery picture, but you know you’ve met the one for you not only because you feel the happiest you’ve ever felt with someone, but also because he gets you and you get him.

5. Take the leap to becoming an adjunct professor – I taught two law school classes in my practice area.  Preparing lesson plans and PowerPoint presentations is not always easy when you have a full-time job.  But my interest in shaping the lives of young social engineers has piqued my desire to continue to teach.

6.  Put God first – A continuous work in progress.  My Type-A personality always interferes with this one.  My faith always gets me through difficult situations, but I have to constantly remind myself that I am not in control.  When we put God first, we reaffirm our faith that with Him all things become possible. Won’t He do it!

7.  Trust my gut and never second guess myself – I’ve definitely made leaps and strides on this one but more to come.  See #2 above.

8.  Charge my friends for legal services – I didn’t charge any friends, but many of them stopped reaching out for legal advice (they must have read the previous blog post).  But I did obtain a few referrals for paying clients.

9.  Make a power career move – I’ve laid the foundation–let’s see what happens in 2015!

10.  Redefine success – When I began the year, I was prepared to craft my own definition of what success would mean for my life.  However, since finding out that I we are expecting our first child, I’ve once again changed that definition.  What success meant for me in 2014 is starkly different from what it means to me now that I am embarking on motherhood.  A future post will discuss this further.

11.  Pray more  – See number 6.

12.  Put less weight into how I am perceived – See number 7.

 Tighten the inner circle – To my friends, it may seem that I have really clinched my circle too tight and pushed them out.  The reality is, life takes over and I constantly find myself wishing there were more hours in the day.  In 2015, it may seem like the circle has been squeezed even smaller than a needle hole, but with my baby arriving in a few months (yep you read that correctly!), I’m sure the time spent with friends will be even more limited, but I plan to do my best.

14.  Exercise more – I won’t use becoming pregnant as an excuse, but walking up a flight of stairs causes me to become winded these days.  But as soon as this baby arrives, my goal is to hit the gym to get the baby weight off ASAP!

For 2015, I haven’t created any resolutions.  I plan to embrace life and the uncertainty that comes with it.  It goes without saying that I will continue to put God first, and I will definitely need to hit the gym to return to my pre-baby weight, but I’m entering uncharted territory.  This is the world where I have to finally accept that my life isn’t completely within my control.

It’s 2019 and many of the items in that list still ring true and have come to pass.  My baby boy (who now stands at more than half my height) came 3 months and 15 days after I drafted that post.  He’s added so much joy to my life and he’s the reason that I can now say with certainty that every parent deserves an award for surviving child rearing!  I don’t care how successful your child becomes–you get them to 18 out of your house, you should get a medal!  Look forward to my parenting posts that will explain why. 

There are so many topics that have come to mind that I intended on blogging about (i.e., dating as a single-parent, operation varsity blues, politics, raising a little black boy, etc.).  I can’t wait to share them with you and to read your feedback!  

 

Awareness of Self: The Death of My Ego

Most of the time my brain feels like it’s a room covered in thousands of post-it notes filled with my thoughts. I’ve started to increase my awareness of the words written on those sticky notes and how they negatively impact my daily thoughts.

Okay, that sounded very philosophical. Let me break it down for you….

How It Started:

So there was this guy (yeah matters of the heart can always enlighten you) who I dated briefly. Having a keen sense of the type of guy that fits my personality and vision of life, I realized fairly quickly that he wasn’t my type. Nevertheless, I carried on ignoring the voice in my head that told me he wasn’t the one. The voice in my head told me that he checked all of my boxes and I was simply being my typical selective self. Despite the rational side of me trying to convince myself that he was a perfectly suitable guy, I just couldn’t feel the chemistry. Needless to say, my interactions with said guy unraveled and I was left feeling somewhat saddened, while my friends looked at me in complete confusion knowing what I failed to acknowledge until that point—I never liked the guy in the first place. But, how was I unable to see in myself what my friends were easily able to recognize? If you ask some of my friends, I just need to start smoking weed and be more chill.  Since that isn’t happening I searched for a more lasting solution, which I’ll expound on in a second. But first, let me explain further how my mind works.

The rational and academic side of my brain recognizes how blessed I am and how “accomplished” I appear to be by most standards. Yet, oftentimes I silently struggle with knowing what I think I need to feel happy, worthwhile and fulfilled. Sometimes, I think it’s having a successful career that feeds my passion, and other times I think it’s acquiring more wealth. Then there are moments when the need manifests itself in believing that my happiness and fulfillment will be achieved once I am married with children—until I speak to my friends who are married with kids. Although logically, I know that these desires will likely not cause me to reach the apex of happiness, it doesn’t stop the needs from creeping into my mind and lodging itself onto a permanent sticky note. This misperception was what precluded me from accepting that this guy was simply neither what I needed nor wanted.

So I decided to dig a little deeper. What was causing my unsettling feelings of dissatisfaction and uncertainty? I took the time to go into my head and consciously observe my daily thoughts. I focused on the sentences that replay in my mind while feeding my consciousness about who I am, what I want and how I approach the world. These were the subliminal reflections that penetrated my mind but were oftentimes not verbalized. I quickly realized that these thoughts were distinct from who I outwardly believed myself to be.

I perceive myself as a confident, self-assured woman; a person who not only knows what she wants out of life, but is well on her way to accomplishing it. I am smart, talented and sociable…I am blessed. So what is the problem? Why were my subconscious thoughts not always reflecting the Superwoman I felt I projected to the world? How could I rewire my mind to align itself with my outward beliefs?

The Realization:

I was determined to find the root of the problem. And after some reflection, I landed on three distinct letters that summed it up: E-G-O.

Our ego doesn’t only cause us to have an inflated sense of self. It can also cause us to create positive and negative mental distortions. Our emotions such as sadness, fear, anger, anxiety impatience and frustrations stem from our egos (I’m not that brilliant, this fact came from an Eckhart Tolle book I read).  I started to notice that my Ego (it’s capitalize because it has a life of its own) manifested itself in almost all of my thoughts. For example, sometimes I think exclusively about my shortcomings and overlook my positive qualities; this is a negative distortion caused by my Ego. Other times I disregard positive facts when they don’t align with my negative thought. For instance, when someone pays me a compliment—while I thank the person, I think to myself that he is only saying it to spit game. Or when I blame myself for something going wrong and ruminate on what I could have done better, while never fully recognizing that the real shortcoming was in the other person–like the guy I mentioned above.

So I finally recognize what needed to be done. It was time to rewrite some of those sticky notes in my head! But first I had to learn to separate my Ego from my true self.

Goodbye Ego:

I’m not going to profess that I have overcome the challenge of clearing the negative sticky notes from my mind, but at the very least, I am learning the importance of standing in my truth. I am becoming more cognizant of my feelings because most of them stem from my Ego, which is the driving force behind most of my perceptions.  It’s still a work in progress, and I haven’t conquered it, but I know that I am in complete control of my thoughts. Therefore, I am now able to decipher when my Ego is playing a role in how I am feeling at any given moment.

So the feeling of sadness for said guy lasted very briefly when I thought about why I was sad.  It wasn’t because I actually liked him; my sadness was really driven by a deeper fear of being alone.  When I acknowledged that truth, I was able to rewire that distorted sticky note in my head and momentarily kill the Ego.  I am not alone. I have an amazing support system of special people in my life.  Therefore, the notion of loneliness was merely a negative distortion and not my reality.

My Ego also tried to emerge one day while teaching a law school class. During the beginning of my lecture, the 30 blank faces staring at me caused my mind to start racing.  It was as if I was speaking to them in Arabic or some other foreign language they didn’t understand.  My (Ego’s) immediate thought was, this is my fault, I made this lecture too complicated for them.  I quickly retracted the distorted thought, took a deep breath and asked, “why am I seeing blank faces?”  A student quickly responded that the syllabus had stated that I was covering a different topic that day.  Crisis averted and Ego eliminated—my lecture wasn’t the problem!

Lesson:

What I’ve learned from killing my Ego is your thoughts are way more powerful than what we verbalize.  They are like post-it notes permanently stuck to your mind.  When we allow our ego to manipulate and distort our thoughts, we give life to things unnecessarily.  Saying farewell to my Ego has been difficult–it was such an integral part of who I was.  It initially left me wondering how to fill its void.  But as I’ve cleared some of the distorted post-it notes from my mind, I’ve  acquired a sense of peace and comfort in learning who I really am and I’ve learned to stop taking myself and life so seriously.

 

 

 

A Letter to My 21-Year-Old Self

Dear 21-Year-Old Self:

I remember you like it was yesterday.  You were fresh out of college and ready to take on the world.  I must say, looking back, you have done a good great job!  I know at times it didn’t seem easy as you were growing into becoming your own, but knowing what I know now, there is so much I wish I could have said to you.  Before I start, let me just say that I’m still learning and the one thing I know for sure is that I’ve only reached the tip of the iceberg in what I have uncovered about life.  I have lots more to learn and will continue to share it along the way.  For now, here goes…

Life

Never live life as if you’re watching it from the sidelines—it will pass you by.  Don’t lose your passion and continue to chase your dreams—they will sustain you in times of uncertainty.  Trust what has helped to get you this far.  Remain vicariously happy and don’t worry about feeling like you must have it all together because you still won’t have life figured out in your thirties.  Yes, it’s possible for you to gain weight so continue to exercise and eat better.  Stop manipulating the texture of your hair–embrace every coily strand of it.  Make sure your graduate degree is worth it because those loans will be with you for a very loooong time.  Continue to feed your desire to see the world and all the beauty that it possess.  You’re a little uncertain right now, but your confidence will grow.  There will be additional moments of uncertainty but never let it rattle your confidence—you. are. smart. So far, you have lived your life like a textbook doing all the right things to become “successful” by your parents’ standards.  Let your hair down and become more of a risk-taker.   The moment you care less about what others think and stop worrying about missteps, the happier you’ll be.  Step out of your comfort zone.  What’s the worse that can happen?  It’s never too late to start over.  Every day you wake up gives you an opportunity to create a better you.  The more you practice being patient, uncomfortable and alone, the happier you will feel.  Stop thinking too much, the answers will come when you least expect it.  Your instinct will improve with age so never forget to trust your gut.  Surround yourself with people who enable you to laugh more; your demeanor will always be serious, but sometimes laughter will be the best way for you to get through.  Make peace with your past and when you feel lost, return to your center–meditate and pray.  Life is a beautiful challenge.

Family/Friends

Cherish your family, especially your parents—one day, you will look up and realize they are aging.  Remember that the aren’t going to be around forever.  You’ll start to sound more and more like your mother as you get older.  Don’t let it scare you because you will also have a greater appreciation for her wisdom.  At some point, you’ll stop saying that you do things to make your parents happy and will start to say you do it to make yourself happy.  It will be difficult at times for your parents and siblings to not view you as the baby–be patient with them and accept that in their hearts, you will always be the baby.  Never stop telling your loved ones that you love them.  Sometimes the lines between networking and creating genuine friendships become blurred.  As you grow and change you may lose a few friends—don’t be confused or disappointed. You will eventually learn that there’s a big difference between friends and people you merely know.   Don’t pay attention to the friends who mock you for not liking hard liquor, they will soon appreciate that your palate was built for wine.  It’s okay to not care about what everyone thinks of you—accept that you won’t be liked by everyone, but will be very loved by some.  Your family will always be your friends and some of your friends will feel like family.

Love

I don’t have this love and marriage thing all figured out yet, but what I’ve learned thus far is: love is durable but trust is fragile.  Learn to trust others and live your life in a manner that others are always willing to trust you.  Most importantly, always love and trust yourself, especially when facing adversity—you will only attract the love you think you deserve.  Don’t expect to be married by 30–you simply aren’t ready.  Use these years to experience all that life has to offer and don’t hesitate in kissing a few frogs.  I know you wish you dated more and spent less of your years with the same guy, but I’m here to tell you there’s not much to look forward to dating in your thirties.  Bu at the very least, you’ll have a few more stories to laugh about.  When you meet “the one” your relationship will feel easy and almost effortless—relationship drama is for the birds.  Your heart is more resilient than you think, don’t be so afraid to give it to someone who seems willing to appreciate and respect it.  Don’t worry, he will love what you think are flaws in yourself.  When it happens—and it will happen—try to ignore the voices around you that ask you how you’re going to balance a successful legal career and a marriage. It will simply scare you into feeling like you have to choose.  Love is not what’s complicated, people are.

 

What advice do you have for your 21-year-old self?

 

The Misadventures of Dating in Your 30s Part 2

As some of you noted to me in your e-mails, comments and Facebook posts, dating in your 30s (40s and even 70s) can be rough.  Part I of this series stirred up great dialogue about lessons learned, the importance of communication and questions about who should pick up the tab on a date?

My intent in writing these dating chronicles isn’t to dissect who is right and where things went wrong.  The goal is to find the humor in a situation that wasn’t so funny at the time.  But I always welcome your comments and opinions on these scenarios.  For those of you who are curious as to which of these were my experiences—technically they all were.  Because as my friends recanted the stories, I felt as if I was experiencing it alongside them.

Recreational Activities

I’m taking her out on our third date.  If I calculate all the money I’ve spent on this woman since our last two dates, she’s close to $250 (not that I’m keeping count). I order the chicken; she orders the steak—go figure. We make more small talk. Our food comes out and she uses her fork to penetrate the steak.  She asks the waiter to send it back–oh no not again! She now wants the fish instead. She has returned a portion of her meal during every date so far. Red flag? The waiter politely obliges. I’m not going to let it bother me this time because I’m focused on the big picture–my steadfast rule: if I’ve been spending money on you, I’m getting some by date number 3!  We enjoy the meal and have a fairly decent conversation. I like her smile, she’s pretty and she’s smart.  Despite her restaurant etiquette I’m starting to dig this woman.  We share a few laughs throughout our meal and I help her with her coat as we depart the restaurant.

We arrive at the front door of her place around 11:30PM.  I’m gazing into her eyes to see if she’s giving me a signal to park and come upstairs.  Before I could make a determination she asks, “do you want to come up for a little bit?”  I don’t hesitate and quickly demonstrate my superb parallel parking skills.  She lives in a five-story walk up—no wonder she stays in shape.  Out of breath I step inside and am greeted by a high-pitched howl—damn she has a dog!  I have a seat on her couch and she brings two glasses of patron and cranberry juice and asks, “do you smoke?” I reply, “nah, I don’t fool with cigarettes, you?”  She responds, “I mean weed silly!”  Feeling a bit goofy, I respond, “oh I tried it a couple times in college.”  Before I could say anything else she was back on her feet.  She returns with a contraption (I later find out it’s called a vaporizer) and two grams of weed.  She lights it up and passes it to me to take a hit.  I hesitate at first, but I tell her I’m good and decide to pass.

It’s 1:00AM and I’ve managed to position my hand on her leg.  She’s high and snuggled into my chest.  With one arm wrapped around my waist and the other hand holding tightly to the vaporizer, in a whisper, she asks, “have you ever tried coke?”  Okay I was just talking myself into getting used to the fact that she blazes on a regular basis.  But she does coke too? Weedhead is one thing, but cokehead?! Is it an occasional thing? Am I overthinking? Should I give it a try?

Little White Lie

I am ready to call it a night after being out at a club.  Since my car keys are in my friend’s car, I can’t leave until she gets in her last round of bootie shaking.  As I impatiently stand against the wall, out of nowhere he approaches.  We exchange pleasantries and he asks me whether (1) I have a boyfriend, (2) I’m single, or (3) in an undefined situation. I’ve never been asked the third option but I like his thoroughness.  The club is dim so I can’t get a good look at his face, but I can tell his body is attractive by his silhouette.  He tells me that he wanted to come over and say hello despite the very serious/mean look on my face.  I’m flattered. Mental note: stop mean mugging. Before he leaves, he asks for my number.  Should I give him my Google number or the real thing?  I will give him the real one since he seems polite, pleasant and pleasing on the eye.

He sends me a text message the next morning.  Damn, what happened to the 3-day rule? After a few exchanges, he calls.  In this new world of text messaging and tweeting, I appreciate a man who still picks up the phone to have a conversation.  We speak for hours on a variety of topics.  His peppering of questions demonstrates his keen interest in getting to know me.  The questions continue and I’m happy to answer honestly to give him insight into who I am.  I’ve already surmised by the many questions that he must have be a lawyer because I am feeling a bit interrogated—in a nice way.  We talk about his short term and long term personal and career goals.  He hopes to get married within the next five years and wants to land a job in the White House.  For a woman in her mid-thirties, his marriage trajectory is music to my ears!  I also like that he is ambitious.

As we’re talking on the phone I decide to search for him on Facebook to see whether we have mutual friends—DC is small, he may have dated someone I know.  He doesn’t come up in my search.  As I am logging into LinkedIn, he asks, “are you a big social media user?”  I tell him I use them sporadically, and ask him whether he uses social media.  Then I notice he has searched for me on LinkedIn. I’m not surprised, the internet makes it so easy for us to be nosey.  “No I’m not really much of a Facebook and Twitter user” he responds.  I ask, “so you’re not one of those who runs a Google search on people you meet?” He replies, “nope.”  I follow up by asking, “would you search someone on LinkedIn?”  He also responds “no”.  “Then why does my LinkedIn account say that you searched my profile a couple of hours ago?”  Damn damn damn! Did I just say that out loud?! Awkward silence.  He calmly says, “I didn’t search for you on LinkedIn.” Side eye. Did he just lie?! I said, “really? That’s’ not what LinkedIn indicates.” More awkward silence.  I switch the subject.   There goes my idea of him being amazing. Was I wrong for asking? If he can lie about this, what else will he lie about?

Inverse Relationship

I leave my favorite Thursday night happy hour spot feeling optimistic about the women I met tonight.  My swag was on 100, resulting in six phone numbers from some very attractive ladies.  The next morning I send them all the same text message: “good mrng. hope u had a good night. great meeting you.” Four out of the six respond. One of them follows up with a text message asking, “when will I see u again?”  After a few more text message exchanges, I focus my attention on her and she becomes my favorite of the six.

Our first date a week later was to see John Legend in concert.  She purchased our tickets and also treated me to dinner. Damn, I could get used to this! We sleep with each other on the first date.  Now that is what you call a new-age woman! Sex was aight but it didn’t last as long as I would have liked. A week later, a card with a gift certificate to my favorite men’s store is delivered to my office.  The card has no name attached.  Nah, this can’t be from her.  It is from her! We spend more and more time together. Within a month, I find myself calling her “baby.”  She’s not too clingy and she doesn’t ask me questions about trying to commit.  I’m feeling her style.  She laughs at my corny jokes, and constantly finds ways to do nice things for me.  She could write a book for all these chicks who are waiting on a man to spend a ton of money on them before they give the man some attention.

Six months pass and she still has the same ride-or-die personality.  But, I’m not sure I want to ride for her the same way.  Why am I hesitating? I’m ready to settle down.  I still frequent my Thursday happy hour spot and I am still talking to women and taking their numbers.  Some of them are slightly more attractive than her and they pique my interest.  I sleep with some of them. I should probably tell her that I don’t know if I can give her what she wants.  But she isn’t asking for anything–yet. I’m ready to settle down, I’m ready to find that woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.  She seems like the right person for me.  She caters to me.  She loves me.  Sometimes I can see myself with her long-term, and other times, I would be indifferent if she stopped speaking to me. She’s not it. How am I going to tell her? She likes me too much. I’ll just ride it out and not say anything.

5 Things Men Need To Learn About Women

James’ articulated is very well, so I thought I would reblog to show him some love. The only point that wasn’t articulated was that women want their feelings validated. Even if a man would not feel the same way, validating her feelings will draw them closer.

James Michael Sama

Sure, we have all met some women who seem to be more complicated than Chinese algebra. Even the famous Oscar Wilde remarked: Women are meant to be loved, not understood.

But, I do think that as men, we over-complicate women because we expect them to be just like us. It’s natural for anyone to project their own qualities onto others and become confused when they don’t fit the mold, but once we step outside of ourselves and see people as they are, and not as we are, our vision becomes clearer.

It doesn’t matter what you say, it matters how she feels.

A woman’s honesty to herself is unparalleled, because her self-esteem is rooted where it should be, in herself. You can call her beautiful or sexy or gorgeous every single day, but if she doesn’t feel it, it won’t get through to her.

You need to make her feel

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What Would You Do If You Weren’t Afraid?

A couple months ago, I decided to read Sheryl Sandberg’s book, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead.  Although it was met with much acclaim, it has also faced quite a bit of criticism.  Nevertheless, this book has become my new bible!  As I turned each page, I couldn’t help but think how spot on Sandberg was.  She delicately expressed the difficulties in balancing motherhood and a job, while guiding women to take charge of their careers and closing the leadership gap between men and women.

I think most of the critics of Lean In are women who don’t aspire to become leaders of organizations and cannot fully relate to Sandberg’s seemingly overambitious, type A, superhuman temperament that permeates the words on each page.  Being CEO of one’s household carries its own challenges and is hard work for a woman.  However, Lean In focuses on the struggles of women and mothers who face the challenge of fulfilling the societal characteristics of a good woman/mother/wife while advancing their careers.

I could write on a variety of topics that Sandberg touches on in her book, but I decided to start by deconstructing a portion of the chapter titled “The Leadership Ambition Gap: What Would You Do If You Weren’t Afraid?” In this chapter, Sandberg speaks about the self-fulfilling prophecies that are introduced during childhood and reinforced as we grow up.  Society has become comfortable with seeing one woman at the table in a boardroom, but we have not adjusted to a woman leading the entire board.  It remains an anomaly to not only have a female running a company’s division, but to have a woman as the chief executive.

Sandberg points out that since more men aim for leadership roles, they are more likely to obtain them.  Although women have progressed since the 50s, societal pressures still cause them to keep an eye on marriage from a young age.  It is not that women are less ambitious than men, it’s just that their aspirations change more dramatically as they grow.  Additionally, cultural messages reinforce the ambition gap between men and women.  Someone recently coined the term “bawse” to characterize a man or woman who seems in control of his or her life/destiny.  But Sandberg notes that when women try to lead they are still labeled as bossy (in a pejorative way, not they way Kelis celebrates it in her track).  And even though some women may say they don’t need to be liked, they only need to be respected at work—that’s a lie.  Almost all women care about being liked especially in the workplace.

It’s time for women to bridge the performance gap!  What would you do if you weren’t afraid?  This is the trillion-dollar question. We’ve all heard someone (or ourselves) say “man I wish I could/did …” Oftentimes for a woman, fear is given as the reason why she hasn’t accomplished a goal.  But what if we weren’t restricted by our fears, what would we do?  The answer doesn’t have to entail bringing world peace or single-handedly ending hunger in developing countries.

“Risk taker” is far from a characteristic that is befitting to me.  I recognize the things I would do if I were fearless would require me to live poorly or marry rich.  Nevertheless, if I weren’t afraid, I would pack up and move to South Africa with my doggy; I’d become a legal consultant or study the history of the country and write a book comparing the struggles and current lives of South Africans vis à vis black Americans; I’d focus my practice of law on the truly indigent; I would live in a Spanish speaking country and submerge myself in the culture.  live more and care less.  Bottom line is there are so many things that I would do if I weren’t sometimes frozen from the fear that accomplishing these goals would preclude me from having other important things in my life–like a family.

After finishing Lean In, I will no longer live through my fears!  As Sandberg points out, the world needs more women to aim high, lean in to their careers and run the world because the world needs us to change it.  Women all around the world are counting on us.

“Ask yourself: What would I do if I weren’t afraid?  And then go do it.”

A Woman’s Sex Conundrum: The Solution

I can be a bit old fashion as it pertains to certain things.  If it were up to me, a man would still show up to take a woman on a date dressed in a tie and carrying flowers.  Okay maybe that’s a bit extreme, but my point is, we have strayed pretty far from the days where men really courted women and both genders had a deep understanding of and respect for dating boundaries.

Fast forward to 2011 and women have entered the era of the sex conundrum.  Before I go any further, this post pertains to a specific category of women and is not intended to promote premarital sex.  Rather, it is food for thought to those who fall into Category #2 described below.

Women generally fall into two types of categories as it relates to sex.

No sex before marriage (Category 1)

“I’m glad we waited”

We all set different boundaries for ourselves and draw the line in the sand at different points.  Although I applaud respect those who defer sex until marriage, it is not my reality.  Therefore, the following commentary does not apply to those who fall into this category and have chosen to wait until marriage before ever having sex.

Sex before commitment (Category 2)

Many women fall into this second category.  Instead of waiting for a marriage commitment, we have chosen to engage in premarital sex.  We are comfortable with this decision but have sometimes found ourselves questioning and/or regretting our choice of sexual partners.  Sex for women who fall into this category oftentimes occurs prior to determining the direction of the relationship.

In 2011 women who have sex without commitment have found themselves in what I refer to as the sex conundrum.  I specifically use the term commitment rather than the word marriage because oftentimes sex occurs prior to an expressed commitment of any kind or establishment of an exclusive relationship.  In this era of female empowerment women feel more comfortable in straying from traditional social norms.  But have we strayed too far from our best interests?  Have we convinced ourselves that we can freely have sex with whomever we desire, under any circumstance with little to no consequences?  Women (with men as their enablers) have created a sexual conundrum for themselves.

Some women believe that they can have sex with a man without an established commitment or emotional fulfillment.  They believe that their natural sexual desires can be satisfied without any emotional consequences or requirement of their sexual partner to want them beyond the act of sex.  I strongly disagree with this notion.  The only women who are able to rid themselves of any emotional draw to their sexual partners are prostitutes and women who are suffering from deeper personal issues and use sex as a means to mask/soothe those issues.  In other words, women generally lack the ability to have sex with a man without developing some emotional connection/feelings toward him.  The woman who consents to sleeping with a man after she is made aware that he does not want a commitment from her will still develop feelings for this man.  The woman who has a boyfriend/husband but decides to sleep with another man solely for sexual gratification will eventually develop feelings for that man.  The woman who convinces herself that she can remain emotionally detached from the man she is sleeping with is fooling herself.  Therefore, the problem usually arises when women sleep with men before having clearly established a mutual understanding of their relationship.

When is the appropriate time (for a category 2 woman) to sleep with a man?  I took an unscientific straw poll of my male friends prior to penning this blog and almost all the men believed that the best time was whenever the woman was ready, but preferably sooner rather than later—-generally within the first two months of dating.  But when I asked the men whether they were always prepared to commit to (i.e., date exclusively) the woman during this time, the general consensus was—no.  So if a woman almost always develops an emotional bond to a man once she has sex with him, and if a man isn’t willing to commit to a woman in the time frame that he expects to have sex with her, then how do we reconcile this?

Ever wonder why Michelle seems to have gone stark crazy over Sean even when Sean is not her boyfriend/husband? She calls him 100 times for the day, she slashes his tires and keys his car because Sean hasn’t returned her calls; she is standing outside his home screaming profanities to express her anger at the way she was treated.  99 times out of 100, whether she recognizes it or not, Michelle’s heightened frustration is because she has slept with Sean.  Herein lies the sex conundrum!

This problem can be rectified with a few simple steps.  Women should refrain from sleeping with men until they have had a discussion with their sexual partner and feel comfortable that he will embrace the emotional desires that will emerge once she has slept with him.  In other words, women must recognize and become honest with the additional demands they will likely place on their partner after they have sex with them.  I am not condoning the act of dangling sex in front of a man’s face like a carrot in order to get what she wants.  But it is important for men and women to recognize the depth of emotion that sex has on a woman (and sometimes men as well) and both parties must be prepared to handle the change that will inevitably come if a commitment is not established before sex occurs.

Within one to two months of meeting a woman most men aren’t prepared to answer the question, “where is this going and what are your epxectations” (and I doubt that a woman can be sure of her answer within this time frame as well).  Therefore, the best solution to this unidentified problem is…….wait for it…….women should wait until they have a clear understanding as to the expectations and goals of  a man prior to sleeping with him and men should start thinking about their own expectations of  a woman as they contemplate the idea of getting the woman into bed.  Men and women have sex too early in their “relationship”.  What is the requisite amount of time that a man should wait and a woman should hold out?  As long as Sean is unsure of how to answer the question “where is this going and what are your expectations” Michelle should refrain from sleeping with him because she will quickly become weary of Sean’s inability to answer that question once she sleeps with him.  On the flip side, men should not provide a woman with a false hope of something more than sex simply to get a woman into bed.  Her heart is attached to her body, so if he wants her body he must be prepared to take her heart as well.  A man should consider his desire to sleep with a woman in conjunction with his desire (or lack thereof) to commit to her.

The new-age concept of “friends with benefits” is a fallacy for a woman.  Maybe it’s time to revive the days when a man wrote a note asking “do you want to go steady? check the box” before he expects a woman to sleep with him.

Forgive. Trust. Love.

I recently came across this quote: “Look back in forgiveness, look forward in trust, [live] now in love.”  At first glance I considered it yet another ordinary quote. But like most things I read/hear, I stored it away and processed it later.  As I was flying home, sitting quietly with my thoughts, I started to think about those 12 simple words and realized that it surmised how I try to live my life.  Admittedly I am far from perfect, and oftentimes struggle with the forgiveness, trust and love actions. But If I could live according to those words life would continue to bring me an abundance of happiness.
Let me take a moment to break down these three acts.

Forgiveness

I try not to look back unless it’s to remind myself of previous life lessons.  But at times, I reflect on the past with a bitter heart–to remind myself of when I’ve been wronged. Healing begins with forgiveness. An apology isn’t necessary before we start to forgive (and oftentimes that apology may never come).  We don’t forgive to let others off the hook. Rather, we forgive to allow our broken hearts to mend. A bitter heart will not trust nor can it receive love.

Trust

I battle with these five letters on a daily basis. I trust two people in the entire world–that’s myself and God. Well maybe just God–sometimes I can’t trust myself when left to my own devices. Okay, if I’m really going to be honest, at times I’ve questioned my faith in Him as well.  Bottom line, I have trust issues.  For some, trusting is easy, but I’ve tried a couple approaches: trust until the person gives you a reason not to trust him/her; stay weary until you have built up trust in a person.  None of these have been 100% effective. I am not going to try to proffer advice on something I may never master.  But I do know that being able to trust and to be trusted is a fundamental requirement to a happy life.

Love

Live now in love. Can someone love if he/she hasn’t learned to forgive and trust?  The answer is likely no, but I may have found a loophole! Living in love is what maintains my happiness. I love to see others succeed, I love to see others happy, I love to find the best characteristics in everyone.  Okay, maybe I’ve redefined love. But like I mentioned above, I have trust and forgiveness issues, so this is my workaround.  If we’re talking about love–like handing over sharing my heart–then I still have some work to do in that regard.  But I’ve tried to demonstrate my love to those who matter the most to me, in the best way I can.

I told you those twelve simple words packed a big punch. Take some time to reflect on what the quote means to you and whether you live your life accordingly.

What’s Your Excuse?

“If someone asks why are you still single, tell them you were born that way.”

 If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you already understand my disdain with the many articles and books that have been published about why (black) women are single.  Every now and again, I’ll speak to someone and in a bewildered tone, they say, “I can’t understand why you’re single.”  It’s oftentimes followed by an awkward pause as they await my explanation, or a quip such as “at night, horns grow out of my head”.  I’ve considered walking around with a list to provide said inquirer with a litany of reasons that may quell their curiosity.

Ironically, as I recently celebrated another year of life on this earth, I expect that this question will come up more frequently (unless I implement OFAM*).  Nevertheless, the next time I’m asked why I’m single, I will be prepared.  I won’t have to pull out a list, nor will there be any awkward pauses.  The answer will simple be—I was born this way!  I never thought I needed an excuse, but now that Lady Gaga is the recent celebrity to coin the term, it may carry more weight in silencing the critics.

So ladies (I direct it at the ladies because this question isn’t posed to men nearly as often), the next time someone wants to know why you don’t have a man, tell them “I WAS BORN THIS WAY–what’s your excuse.”  Of course, if you have a twin, you will have to come up with another witty/snarky response.

 *OFAM = Operation Find A Man

Calling All Women–Time to Raise the Bar!

What would happen if we all raised the bar?  When I say we, I’m referring to women.  More and more I have conversations, read articles, and listen to women discuss issues that illustrate the manners in which they are selling themselves short of true happiness.  In the workplace, in the home, in our relationships with our friends, you name it we have an innate tendency to demand less than our male counterparts.  I won’t get into the various historical theories and events as to why that is (i.e., pre-women’s suffrage, the mammies, etc.); rather, I want to focus on what could should be.

I’m a strong proponent of equal opportunity and at times I happily accept the title as feminist.  However, why have women stopped expecting a man to open the door for them?  Why do some women rationalize away the expectations they have of the man they date or marry?  Some may say the answer to these questions is this is a man’s world (in my James Brown voice) therefore, as women we have to be happy with what we get.

As Evelyn Cunningham once said, “Women are the only oppressed group in our society that lives in intimate association with their oppressors.”  I think it is time to start a new revolution–I call it women raising the bar.  Instead of complaining about what we aren’t receiving from others in our lives, or lowering our standard of what we think we deserve, as women, we need to raise the bar.  Don’t pay for a man’s meal when we really hope that he would pay for it.  Don’t pick up the phone and call him because you know if you don’t he won’t.  Don’t allow him to disrespect you and tell yourself, I know he doesn’t mean it.  Don’t stay at home with the kids because you think it’s your motherly/wifely duty when your real desire is to be leading board room meetings.  Don’t accept the job working for the male project manager when you know you can lead the group better than he can.  Raise the bar!

I know there are a few women out there who will send me an e-mail saying that this blog post does not apply to them because they have always maintained a high standard for themselves–they are the alpha women of the world.  Maybe these women have been lucky and maybe they have beaten the odds.  However, women could effect change for all women around the world if we all decided to raise the bar and not settle for less–because settling for less not only harms themselves, but also limits the opportunities for other women of the world, and their daughters and granddaughters to come.  If men change the manner in which they treat women and recognize that dimming our light and disrespecting us is never an option, imagine how different the world would be.  Some changes can’t occur without changes in the laws however, this revolution could occur if all women of the world decide to take a stand and RAISE THE BAR starting now!

“Women really do rule the world.  They just haven’t figured it out yet.  When they do, and they will, we’re all in big big trouble.”

In honor of March’s Women’s History Month