A Woman’s Sex Conundrum: The Solution

I can be a bit old fashion as it pertains to certain things.  If it were up to me, a man would still show up to take a woman on a date dressed in a tie and carrying flowers.  Okay maybe that’s a bit extreme, but my point is, we have strayed pretty far from the days where men really courted women and both genders had a deep understanding of and respect for dating boundaries.

Fast forward to 2011 and women have entered the era of the sex conundrum.  Before I go any further, this post pertains to a specific category of women and is not intended to promote premarital sex.  Rather, it is food for thought to those who fall into Category #2 described below.

Women generally fall into two types of categories as it relates to sex.

No sex before marriage (Category 1)

“I’m glad we waited”

We all set different boundaries for ourselves and draw the line in the sand at different points.  Although I applaud respect those who defer sex until marriage, it is not my reality.  Therefore, the following commentary does not apply to those who fall into this category and have chosen to wait until marriage before ever having sex.

Sex before commitment (Category 2)

Many women fall into this second category.  Instead of waiting for a marriage commitment, we have chosen to engage in premarital sex.  We are comfortable with this decision but have sometimes found ourselves questioning and/or regretting our choice of sexual partners.  Sex for women who fall into this category oftentimes occurs prior to determining the direction of the relationship.

In 2011 women who have sex without commitment have found themselves in what I refer to as the sex conundrum.  I specifically use the term commitment rather than the word marriage because oftentimes sex occurs prior to an expressed commitment of any kind or establishment of an exclusive relationship.  In this era of female empowerment women feel more comfortable in straying from traditional social norms.  But have we strayed too far from our best interests?  Have we convinced ourselves that we can freely have sex with whomever we desire, under any circumstance with little to no consequences?  Women (with men as their enablers) have created a sexual conundrum for themselves.

Some women believe that they can have sex with a man without an established commitment or emotional fulfillment.  They believe that their natural sexual desires can be satisfied without any emotional consequences or requirement of their sexual partner to want them beyond the act of sex.  I strongly disagree with this notion.  The only women who are able to rid themselves of any emotional draw to their sexual partners are prostitutes and women who are suffering from deeper personal issues and use sex as a means to mask/soothe those issues.  In other words, women generally lack the ability to have sex with a man without developing some emotional connection/feelings toward him.  The woman who consents to sleeping with a man after she is made aware that he does not want a commitment from her will still develop feelings for this man.  The woman who has a boyfriend/husband but decides to sleep with another man solely for sexual gratification will eventually develop feelings for that man.  The woman who convinces herself that she can remain emotionally detached from the man she is sleeping with is fooling herself.  Therefore, the problem usually arises when women sleep with men before having clearly established a mutual understanding of their relationship.

When is the appropriate time (for a category 2 woman) to sleep with a man?  I took an unscientific straw poll of my male friends prior to penning this blog and almost all the men believed that the best time was whenever the woman was ready, but preferably sooner rather than later—-generally within the first two months of dating.  But when I asked the men whether they were always prepared to commit to (i.e., date exclusively) the woman during this time, the general consensus was—no.  So if a woman almost always develops an emotional bond to a man once she has sex with him, and if a man isn’t willing to commit to a woman in the time frame that he expects to have sex with her, then how do we reconcile this?

Ever wonder why Michelle seems to have gone stark crazy over Sean even when Sean is not her boyfriend/husband? She calls him 100 times for the day, she slashes his tires and keys his car because Sean hasn’t returned her calls; she is standing outside his home screaming profanities to express her anger at the way she was treated.  99 times out of 100, whether she recognizes it or not, Michelle’s heightened frustration is because she has slept with Sean.  Herein lies the sex conundrum!

This problem can be rectified with a few simple steps.  Women should refrain from sleeping with men until they have had a discussion with their sexual partner and feel comfortable that he will embrace the emotional desires that will emerge once she has slept with him.  In other words, women must recognize and become honest with the additional demands they will likely place on their partner after they have sex with them.  I am not condoning the act of dangling sex in front of a man’s face like a carrot in order to get what she wants.  But it is important for men and women to recognize the depth of emotion that sex has on a woman (and sometimes men as well) and both parties must be prepared to handle the change that will inevitably come if a commitment is not established before sex occurs.

Within one to two months of meeting a woman most men aren’t prepared to answer the question, “where is this going and what are your epxectations” (and I doubt that a woman can be sure of her answer within this time frame as well).  Therefore, the best solution to this unidentified problem is…….wait for it…….women should wait until they have a clear understanding as to the expectations and goals of  a man prior to sleeping with him and men should start thinking about their own expectations of  a woman as they contemplate the idea of getting the woman into bed.  Men and women have sex too early in their “relationship”.  What is the requisite amount of time that a man should wait and a woman should hold out?  As long as Sean is unsure of how to answer the question “where is this going and what are your expectations” Michelle should refrain from sleeping with him because she will quickly become weary of Sean’s inability to answer that question once she sleeps with him.  On the flip side, men should not provide a woman with a false hope of something more than sex simply to get a woman into bed.  Her heart is attached to her body, so if he wants her body he must be prepared to take her heart as well.  A man should consider his desire to sleep with a woman in conjunction with his desire (or lack thereof) to commit to her.

The new-age concept of “friends with benefits” is a fallacy for a woman.  Maybe it’s time to revive the days when a man wrote a note asking “do you want to go steady? check the box” before he expects a woman to sleep with him.


9 Responses to “A Woman’s Sex Conundrum: The Solution”

  1. Jackson Bracey Says:

    Good points and excellent commentary. Figuring out where things are going after you have sex is always a crap shoot with a less than 50% chance of going your way. Hard for women to hold out sometimes but usually in their best interest.


  2. Anonymous Says:

    great post!


  3. Anonymous Says:

    Amen and Amen!!


  4. sao Says:

    I believe in giving women time to decide if they want to have sex (it’ll only be good if she’s comfortable with it). While a lot of men don’t know where the relationship is going within 2 months of meeting someone, I don’t think there should be any sacrifice in terms of having sex. I find it healthier to have another partner (or two) that is devoted to taking care of my physical needs while the #1 runner makes up her mind. It also helps me decide if I really like her or I’m really just interested in sleeping with her. That being said, would you be okay knowing that while you’re not ‘enjoying’ your potential partner– someone else may. If you’re not going to fulfill the needs of each other, be up front about it in its entirety.

    I’d also like to note that there are many a (black) female out there that have a few one night stands in their history and will readily claim that ‘they’re not into that’. The difference is in the male they’re currently entertaining. If a male seems like he could be a good lay or he’s a conquest, a lot of women have no problem putting out on the first date. If he seems like he may be a keeper (regardless of his sexual prowess) a lot of women try to hold out to portray that perception of chasteness. Of course this is an uphill battle especially in the d.c. area because a lot of men will go off the assumption that potential wifey is a hoe until proven otherwise. That is the real conundrum. Not one of sex, but one of perception.

    Also, sidebar, I think there should be a third category. Women who don’t put heavy emphasis on sex and are willing and able to enjoy it for what it is. Sex is not a negotiating card and its sad when women try to use it as such.


    • LIST Says:

      Thanks for your comment, but your statements completely disregard the overarching fact of the blog post which is that women (other than the two exceptions I mentioned) cannot engage in sex without forming an emotional bond of some type which raises their level of expectation in their sexual partner. I did not say that sex should be use as a negotiating card. What I do recommend is that a man and woman should refrain from sex if that is all that the man wants; because the woman is inevitably going to be negatively impacted by the encounter.

      Although you admonish the use of sex as a negotiating tool, your initial statement indicates that you use sex as a measuring tool as well–to determine how much you like the woman you aren’t having sex with. Although I appreciate you statin your opinion, this blog post was penned for men like yourself to recognize that any woman you sleep with will develop and wan an emotional commitment (or more) from you. If she doesn’t, then you are sleeping with a prostitute or a woman who has other issues which she is masking/soothing with sex which is unhealthy in another respect.


  5. Anonymous Says:

    How absolutely right on! Very well thought through and written. I agree if a woman wants a man her heart does follow…it’s not just a roll in the hay for us. Do you think men are actually afraid to commit to a relationship because their expectations were not fulfilled in the past and it scares them to try again? Bet it does….and men still have a hard time feeling ok with their vulnerability don’t they?

    Twofish 13


    • LIST Says:

      I think men simply don’t commit because some women make it too easy for them not to have to. If sleeping with a woman doesn’t require them to consider more than a physical relationship, then why would we expect them to bother?


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