I Need Your Help Taking Off This Mask

Earlier this week, I began drafting a blog post about imposter syndrome.  But upon deeper reflection, I realized that as frustrating as it has been to function in a new job with this nagging voice of insecurity, I couldn’t

help but wonder whether the voice had become louder as I’ve become more aware over the past few weeks that I’m wearing a mask that I hardly ever take off anymore.  Not the mask that you’ve become accustomed to placing over your mouth and nose — it’s an unseeable mask that buries my pain.  

Every black person has a mask. It’s the invisible veil that hides our fears, insecurities, vulnerabilities, sadness, pain, and true authenticity as we navigate our day-to-day lives.  Lately, the mask has been fastened to my face 99% of the time and I haven’t been able to take it off.  When I’m asked, “how are you?”  The mask allows me to respond mendaciously and without hesitation, “I’m well, and you?!” It allows me to smile through my pain so that my five-year-old son doesn’t see the fear that I have for his future.

Allow me to remove my mask for a minute….

There’s a pandemic ravaging our country and most black people probably know someone who knows someone who has passed away from it, or have had someone close to them succumb to the virus.  If you don’t, consider yourself lucky.  That person for me was my uncle.  A man who oftentimes stepped into the role of my dad.  So when my mom called on a beautiful Saturday afternoon to share the news, it was a gut punch. Nevertheless I woke up on Monday morning, took a deep breath, put on my mask and worked. 

A couple weeks later, my uncle’s funeral service occurred over Zoom.  I walked downstairs to my home workspace and sat through the most surreal experience — an online funeral service.  Once it was over, I put on my mask and got back to work. 

Fast forward a few weeks later when I began seeing the hashtag #JusticeforAhmaud and received an article about it from a friend in Atlanta who felt frustrated and helpless.  Once I was done reading the story, I grabbed my son, held him tight and cried.  I cried for the world he was born into.  I cried for those who would judge him negatively as he grows into a man.  I cried for the judgment he was probably receiving from the parents of his classmates and the downstream impact that it will have on him as those classmates play out what they learn at home.  At the end of the week, we went for a beautiful hike to our nearby lake and I soaked in every moment of his beautiful laughter as I wished time could stand still for my free-spirited, kind-hearted chocolate drop. Then Monday came and I put on my mask and it was back to work.

Then I was hit with the story of Breonna Taylor and the tragic way she lost her life.  Followed by the passing of my precious dog of almost 16 years.

George Floyd. Ahmaud Arbery. Breonna Taylor. #saytheirnames

Sunday came and a white man, without hesitation, spoke to me in the most disrespectful manner in front of his child (that’s a story for another day). Despite my hurt, all I could think was how thankful I was that my son didn’t witness it. On Monday, I adjusted my mask and worked. 

Then came the Christian Cooper incident in Central Park.  As shocked as I wanted to be by the video, I was not surprised at all.  White women have always known that they have the ability to weaponize their femininity in order to abdicate themselves from wrongdoing, while triggering our country’s system of terror against black men.  Nevertheless, I took a deep breath, secured the mask and went to work.

Before I could catch my breath, there was George Floyd…..sigh.  I refuse to watch the video because there’s something that feels immoral about watching someone being murdered while crying out for help and for their mother.  I am exhausted and overwhelmed.  I’m tired of being frustrated with a system that is built to ensure that my people don’t succeed.  I’m tired of having to pray for my son in a way that I know white moms won’t ever have to. 

I’m scared. I’m emotionally and mentally drained.

If you’ve read through to this far — take a deep breath — I know the unfiltered version of how I’m doing is a lot to take in and I’m sure you’re shouldering your own burdens.

 I’ve received messages and had conversations with some of my non-black friends who have felt troubled by all that is going on and unsure how they can be impactful.  A part of me wants to simply direct them to the Assata Shakur quote, “nobody in the world, nobody in history, has ever gotten their freedom by appealing to the moral sense of the people who were oppressing them.”  But I’m ready to share my two cents on how you can help me remove this mask….

For starters, here are a few simple DON’Ts:

• Don’t ask me why everything has to be about race, while failing to understand how that question is cloaked in the privilege and blindspots that prevent you from seeing how self-serving your question really is. 
• Don’t discredit or belittle my feelings because you don’t understand and have never walked a day in the shoes of a black mom.
• Don’t try to justify your unconscious racism by reminding me that you have black friends/family members, date black men/women, or voted for Obama.
• Don’t undermine my experience with the comment, “all white people aren’t like that” or tell me that I’m overreacting.

Here’s a 5-step approach to the fundamentals of how you can have an authentic conversation with someone about race (or any sensitive topic for that matter):

Step 1: Listen. Listen. LISTEN.

Yes, I said it three times because most of us aren’t great listeners. It’s important to actively listen.  Don’t have a conversation in your head that’s responding to what you’re hearing.  Listen by simply taking in the words that you hear without judgment or questions.

Step 2: Quiet the voice in your head – the voice that wants you to be on the defensive. 

If you can hear the voice in your head then you aren’t listening to the person speaking to you.  Remain focused on the the words and avoid the instinctive nature to want to challenge what you’re hearing.  Take what you hear at face value and don’t apply any meaning/intent to them. 

Here’s a simple example:  your friend says to you, “I was the only Black person in a meeting and no one acknowledged the point I repeatedly attempted to make.”   If your first instinct is to think about all the other possible reasons that your friend’s statement wasn’t acknowledged, then you’re listening to the voice in your head that’s telling you to challenge what you’re hearing, rather than absorbing what your friend is saying.  There may be a plethora of reasons why your friend’s point was repeatedly ignored, but none of those reasons matter in that moment. 

As a white person (or any person for that matter), you are not (I repeat, you. are. not.) in a position to determine whether your friend’s feelings about her race is reasonable.  What’s most important is to do all that you can to take in all that your friend is saying so that you’re prepared for Step 3.    

Step 3: AFFIRM their feelings. 

This is critical, so re-read it a few times if it doesn’t sink in the first time.  Your friend wants to know she is visible. Your friend wants to know she is heard.

It isn’t about whether you agree or disagree, you must affirm your friend’s feelings because it’s their feelings.  Also, be mindful that you don’t say (aloud or in your head) any of the 4 don’ts I listed above.  If you find it difficult to affirm your friend because you can’t relate to her feelings, then be authentic and say just that: “I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be the only black person in a room and not be acknowledged.  How did it make you feel?”   Then refer to Step 1. 

You may not be able to relate to their experience, but we can all relate to feelings, right? If you can’t answer in the affirmative, then stop reading this post, now.  However, if you’ve ever felt invisible, disrespected, insecure, dumb, mediocre, etc., then you are equipped to relate to your friend’s feelings even if you don’t have any first-hand experience with it. 

Are you still struggling with finding common ground with your friend’s feelings? Make sure you’re aptly applying Step 1, then try digging a little deeper and attach yourself to a moment in time when you may have experienced a feeling similar to what your friend is describing. Once the connection is made, you’ll find it very easy to affirm your friend’s emotions.

Step 4: Be accountable. 

Once you’ve mastered the first three steps, here’s where you can start to become an ally.  Ask your friend what you can do to ensure that you don’t ever cause them or anyone else to feel the way they felt in their meeting.  You may not have caused your friend’s frustration, but you can give her comfort in knowing that you will make every effort never to put them (or anyone else) in a position to feel that way.   If you feel like you already make an effort, figure out how you can do more.

Step 5: Put what you’ve learned into practice.

The next time you’re in a room, look around and take in how diverse it is.  If there’s one black person in the room, it’s fair to assume that they are aware of it even if they don’t show it.  Make it a point to be inclusive.  And make sure others are inclusive.  Use your friend’s experience and the advice that she gave you to make a small impact and you will have accomplished all of the steps to becoming an ally.  If you have kids, make sure they see you exhibiting those behaviors and let them know why it’s important for them to emulate it.

To be silent is to be complicit.  I’m not saying bravery is easy or that it won’t take some courage and thick skin as you’re mocked by your non-black friends and family for being “woke”.  It’s up to you to decide whether respect, compassion, sensitivity, and empathy are ideals that you value above all else.   

This is about having humanity; about thinking beyond yourself and the things that don’t directly affect you.  It’s about enabling me and people who look like me to take off our masks and comfortably admit that we’re not okay and we need your support.

HELLO 2020

Whew 2019!  Chiiiiiile…so much to say about this year.  Each year usually comes with its fair share of highs and lows, but this one was a doozy.  It probably takes the cake for being one of my most challenging years to date.  But despite feeling like I was experiencing some of my darkest days, I close the year with a feeling of overwhelming gratitude. 

I questioned whether God existed, whether I was a good mother, daughter, sister, friend, lawyer, you name it.  My confidence at times felt like it had taken a permanent vacation and I felt depleted of the optimism I once had.  I continued to endure the struggles of co-parenting; I spent almost a year dating someone who, in the end, didn’t truly value me or hold the values that were most important to me.  My communication with many of my family and friends was inconsistent and spotty at best.  I could go on and on writing a list a mile long of all of the “struggles” I faced in 2019, but it’s not important because in the end, what felt like anxiety and heartache turned into remarkable life lessons.

As my four-year-old says, I would be “telling a Donald Trump” if I said I got to the other side of the 2019 mountain on my own.  During my toughest and darkest moments, God stepped in sending his angels to remind me that weeping may come at night but joy cometh in the morning!  I gave myself grace in accepting that I wasn’t my best self.  I leaned on my family and friends without humiliation, instead of trying to maintain an unsteady balance.  They showed me the true meaning of family/friendship/love, believing in me at times when I stopped believing in myself.  My favorite directive remains, “go in the bathroom, cry then buck up; you’re a black woman, we were built for this!” 

I leave 2019 behind filled with more gratitude, love, empathy, purpose and self-assurance.  To say that I’m absolutely proud of myself and thankful to God for using this final year of the decade to teach me to be more faithful and patient, and for reminding me that I am WAY stronger than I could have ever imagined I could be, is an understatement.

I’m entering the new decade and embarking on my 40^th trip around the sun with a renewed sense of confidence that I haven’t worn in a long time.  You know that feeling when you’ve studied really hard for an exam and you can’t wait for exam day to come because you know you’re gonna crush it?  Well that’s how I’m stepping into 2020. 

Grounded in my belief, and steadfast in knowing my worth, I’m aiming high in 2020 and taking along a few sage reminders:

1. Shoot your shot but know when it’s better to pass the ball.

2. Not everyone who is with you is for you.  Accept when your journey and season with someone has come to an end and be thankful for the role they played in your life.

3. God (or whatever you call your higher power) is in control and your steps are ordered.

4. Begin and end your days with gratitude, recounting and appreciating your blessings no matter how small.

5. Fake it until you make it.  Sometimes you have to pretend that you’re better than you feel until one day you realize you’re no longer pretending.

6. Trust your instincts.  Know when, and don’t be afraid, to say yes and no.

7. Be thankful for those who play a role in your joys, pains, highs and lows.

8. Don’t sweat the small things.

9. Laugh.

10. Pray.

11. Love.

2019, I owe you a debt of gratitude because you did your job, but I’m ready to crush the SH*T out of 2020!  Wishing you the best in making this next year and decade your greatest and most memorable one yet!

P.S. the blog is back! 

New Year and New Life

The title should really say, “New Year and What Life!”  It’s been almost 5 years since I penned my last post, and life took over to the point that I completely forgot about my blog.  I was reminded of it a few days ago, and as I re-read my previous posts, it brought back so many memories and at times made me wonder who wrote them–oh that’s right, I did!  I feel like such a different person from who I was 5 years ago, but in so many ways I’m still the same. 

As I tried to figure out how I would embark on my re-introduction to the blogosphere, I found a 1/1/2015 draft post that has been waiting for over 4 years to be published.  It was unfinished, but I am still posting it (untouched) because it gives a recap of some of the big changes that have occurred in my life. I’ll spare you the details (which could actually be turned into a NYT best- selling book) about my life over the past 5 years and instead allow you to find out as I get back to penning my thoughts:

New Year and New Life

What a whirlwind 2014 it has been!  I wouldn’t change any of it, and as I reflect on it, 2014 was a year of new beginnings and embracing the unknown.

Some people aren’t into New Year’s resolutions, and typically I’m not either.  But I’ve realized that as I embark on each new year, my lofty goals/resolutions can become lost in the shuffle of the daily grind of life.  Last year, I blogged about the things that I hoped to accomplish in 2014.  It was a hefty list of the top 14 things that I wanted to ensure that I stuck to, and for the most part, I did!

I titled the post “New Year New Things” but not all of the items were new, some were goals that I simply wanted to work harder toward achieving and they all boil down to self-improvement.  Here’s how I made out with last year’s list:

Purchase a home – Four months into 2014, I finally found the house I was willing to purchase.  At the time it was merely a plot of land with dirt.  The wait to see the finished product seemed like it took forever; but a few weeks ago, I was finally able to call myself a homeowner of a beautiful 4-story townhome.

2.  Listen more say less – This one is always a challenge and something that I will constantly have to work on.  But I learned something new as I worked through this resolution–I discovered that not everything that someone says is worthy of you hearing.  Sometimes you have to filter out the noise and trust your own voice.

Spend more time with family – I rang in 2014 with an amazing trip to South Africa with my mother.  It was great mother-daughter bonding time and one of the few times we’ve taken a trip with just the two of us.  I also lived with my sister for a few months while my home was being completed.  I don’t think we’ve lived under the same roof since she left for college.

Love fearlessly/Embrace my vulnerability – I was very committed to this one last year, but not sure how much I stepped outside of my comfort zone.  Nevertheless, sometimes the universe helps us when we try to get in our own way.  I’m in love with the most amazing man who accepts my flaws, inspires me to be myself and nurtures my vulnerability.  I don’t want to paint a totally flowery picture, but you know you’ve met the one for you not only because you feel the happiest you’ve ever felt with someone, but also because he gets you and you get him.

5. Take the leap to becoming an adjunct professor – I taught two law school classes in my practice area.  Preparing lesson plans and PowerPoint presentations is not always easy when you have a full-time job.  But my interest in shaping the lives of young social engineers has piqued my desire to continue to teach.

6.  Put God first – A continuous work in progress.  My Type-A personality always interferes with this one.  My faith always gets me through difficult situations, but I have to constantly remind myself that I am not in control.  When we put God first, we reaffirm our faith that with Him all things become possible. Won’t He do it!

7.  Trust my gut and never second guess myself – I’ve definitely made leaps and strides on this one but more to come.  See #2 above.

8.  Charge my friends for legal services – I didn’t charge any friends, but many of them stopped reaching out for legal advice (they must have read the previous blog post).  But I did obtain a few referrals for paying clients.

9.  Make a power career move – I’ve laid the foundation–let’s see what happens in 2015!

10.  Redefine success – When I began the year, I was prepared to craft my own definition of what success would mean for my life.  However, since finding out that I we are expecting our first child, I’ve once again changed that definition.  What success meant for me in 2014 is starkly different from what it means to me now that I am embarking on motherhood.  A future post will discuss this further.

11.  Pray more  – See number 6.

12.  Put less weight into how I am perceived – See number 7.

 Tighten the inner circle – To my friends, it may seem that I have really clinched my circle too tight and pushed them out.  The reality is, life takes over and I constantly find myself wishing there were more hours in the day.  In 2015, it may seem like the circle has been squeezed even smaller than a needle hole, but with my baby arriving in a few months (yep you read that correctly!), I’m sure the time spent with friends will be even more limited, but I plan to do my best.

14.  Exercise more – I won’t use becoming pregnant as an excuse, but walking up a flight of stairs causes me to become winded these days.  But as soon as this baby arrives, my goal is to hit the gym to get the baby weight off ASAP!

For 2015, I haven’t created any resolutions.  I plan to embrace life and the uncertainty that comes with it.  It goes without saying that I will continue to put God first, and I will definitely need to hit the gym to return to my pre-baby weight, but I’m entering uncharted territory.  This is the world where I have to finally accept that my life isn’t completely within my control.

It’s 2019 and many of the items in that list still ring true and have come to pass.  My baby boy (who now stands at more than half my height) came 3 months and 15 days after I drafted that post.  He’s added so much joy to my life and he’s the reason that I can now say with certainty that every parent deserves an award for surviving child rearing!  I don’t care how successful your child becomes–you get them to 18 out of your house, you should get a medal!  Look forward to my parenting posts that will explain why. 

There are so many topics that have come to mind that I intended on blogging about (i.e., dating as a single-parent, operation varsity blues, politics, raising a little black boy, etc.).  I can’t wait to share them with you and to read your feedback!  

 

Awareness of Self: The Death of My Ego

Most of the time my brain feels like it’s a room covered in thousands of post-it notes filled with my thoughts. I’ve started to increase my awareness of the words written on those sticky notes and how they negatively impact my daily thoughts.

Okay, that sounded very philosophical. Let me break it down for you….

How It Started:

So there was this guy (yeah matters of the heart can always enlighten you) who I dated briefly. Having a keen sense of the type of guy that fits my personality and vision of life, I realized fairly quickly that he wasn’t my type. Nevertheless, I carried on ignoring the voice in my head that told me he wasn’t the one. The voice in my head told me that he checked all of my boxes and I was simply being my typical selective self. Despite the rational side of me trying to convince myself that he was a perfectly suitable guy, I just couldn’t feel the chemistry. Needless to say, my interactions with said guy unraveled and I was left feeling somewhat saddened, while my friends looked at me in complete confusion knowing what I failed to acknowledge until that point—I never liked the guy in the first place. But, how was I unable to see in myself what my friends were easily able to recognize? If you ask some of my friends, I just need to start smoking weed and be more chill.  Since that isn’t happening I searched for a more lasting solution, which I’ll expound on in a second. But first, let me explain further how my mind works.

The rational and academic side of my brain recognizes how blessed I am and how “accomplished” I appear to be by most standards. Yet, oftentimes I silently struggle with knowing what I think I need to feel happy, worthwhile and fulfilled. Sometimes, I think it’s having a successful career that feeds my passion, and other times I think it’s acquiring more wealth. Then there are moments when the need manifests itself in believing that my happiness and fulfillment will be achieved once I am married with children—until I speak to my friends who are married with kids. Although logically, I know that these desires will likely not cause me to reach the apex of happiness, it doesn’t stop the needs from creeping into my mind and lodging itself onto a permanent sticky note. This misperception was what precluded me from accepting that this guy was simply neither what I needed nor wanted.

So I decided to dig a little deeper. What was causing my unsettling feelings of dissatisfaction and uncertainty? I took the time to go into my head and consciously observe my daily thoughts. I focused on the sentences that replay in my mind while feeding my consciousness about who I am, what I want and how I approach the world. These were the subliminal reflections that penetrated my mind but were oftentimes not verbalized. I quickly realized that these thoughts were distinct from who I outwardly believed myself to be.

I perceive myself as a confident, self-assured woman; a person who not only knows what she wants out of life, but is well on her way to accomplishing it. I am smart, talented and sociable…I am blessed. So what is the problem? Why were my subconscious thoughts not always reflecting the Superwoman I felt I projected to the world? How could I rewire my mind to align itself with my outward beliefs?

The Realization:

I was determined to find the root of the problem. And after some reflection, I landed on three distinct letters that summed it up: E-G-O.

Our ego doesn’t only cause us to have an inflated sense of self. It can also cause us to create positive and negative mental distortions. Our emotions such as sadness, fear, anger, anxiety impatience and frustrations stem from our egos (I’m not that brilliant, this fact came from an Eckhart Tolle book I read).  I started to notice that my Ego (it’s capitalize because it has a life of its own) manifested itself in almost all of my thoughts. For example, sometimes I think exclusively about my shortcomings and overlook my positive qualities; this is a negative distortion caused by my Ego. Other times I disregard positive facts when they don’t align with my negative thought. For instance, when someone pays me a compliment—while I thank the person, I think to myself that he is only saying it to spit game. Or when I blame myself for something going wrong and ruminate on what I could have done better, while never fully recognizing that the real shortcoming was in the other person–like the guy I mentioned above.

So I finally recognize what needed to be done. It was time to rewrite some of those sticky notes in my head! But first I had to learn to separate my Ego from my true self.

Goodbye Ego:

I’m not going to profess that I have overcome the challenge of clearing the negative sticky notes from my mind, but at the very least, I am learning the importance of standing in my truth. I am becoming more cognizant of my feelings because most of them stem from my Ego, which is the driving force behind most of my perceptions.  It’s still a work in progress, and I haven’t conquered it, but I know that I am in complete control of my thoughts. Therefore, I am now able to decipher when my Ego is playing a role in how I am feeling at any given moment.

So the feeling of sadness for said guy lasted very briefly when I thought about why I was sad.  It wasn’t because I actually liked him; my sadness was really driven by a deeper fear of being alone.  When I acknowledged that truth, I was able to rewire that distorted sticky note in my head and momentarily kill the Ego.  I am not alone. I have an amazing support system of special people in my life.  Therefore, the notion of loneliness was merely a negative distortion and not my reality.

My Ego also tried to emerge one day while teaching a law school class. During the beginning of my lecture, the 30 blank faces staring at me caused my mind to start racing.  It was as if I was speaking to them in Arabic or some other foreign language they didn’t understand.  My (Ego’s) immediate thought was, this is my fault, I made this lecture too complicated for them.  I quickly retracted the distorted thought, took a deep breath and asked, “why am I seeing blank faces?”  A student quickly responded that the syllabus had stated that I was covering a different topic that day.  Crisis averted and Ego eliminated—my lecture wasn’t the problem!

Lesson:

What I’ve learned from killing my Ego is your thoughts are way more powerful than what we verbalize.  They are like post-it notes permanently stuck to your mind.  When we allow our ego to manipulate and distort our thoughts, we give life to things unnecessarily.  Saying farewell to my Ego has been difficult–it was such an integral part of who I was.  It initially left me wondering how to fill its void.  But as I’ve cleared some of the distorted post-it notes from my mind, I’ve  acquired a sense of peace and comfort in learning who I really am and I’ve learned to stop taking myself and life so seriously.