Long Island Sweet Tea

A Woman’s Sex Conundrum: The Solution

LIST — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:26:29 +0000

I can be a bit old fashion as it pertains to certain things. If it were up to me, a man would still show up to take a woman on a date dressed in a tie and carrying flowers. Okay maybe that’s a bit extreme, but my point is, we have strayed pretty far from the days where men really courted women and both genders had a deep understanding of and respect for dating boundaries.

Fast forward to 2011 and women have entered the era of the sex conundrum. Before I go any further, this post pertains to a specific category of women and is not intended to promote premarital sex. Rather, it is food for thought to those who fall into Category #2 described below.

Women generally fall into two types of categories as it relates to sex. No sex before marriage (Category 1)

: “I’m glad we waited”

We all set different boundaries for ourselves and draw the line in the sand at different points. Although I ~~applaud~~ respect those who defer sex until marriage, it is not my reality. Therefore, the following commentary does not apply to those who fall into this category and have chosen to wait until marriage before ever having sex.

Sex before commitment (Category 2)

: “Is this all he wants from me?”

Many women fall into this second category. Instead of waiting for a marriage commitment, we have chosen to engage in premarital sex. We are comfortable with this decision but have sometimes found ourselves questioning and/or regretting our choice of sexual partners. Sex for women who fall into this category oftentimes occurs prior to determining the direction of the relationship.

In 2011 women who have sex without commitment have found themselves in what I refer to as the sex conundrum. I specifically use the term commitment rather than the word marriage because oftentimes sex occurs prior to an expressed commitment of any kind or establishment of an exclusive relationship. In this era of female empowerment women feel more comfortable in straying from traditional social norms. But have we strayed too far from our best interests? Have we convinced ourselves that we can freely have sex with whomever we desire, under any circumstance with little to no consequences? Women (with men as their enablers) have created a sexual conundrum for themselves.

Some women believe that they can have sex with a man without an established commitment or emotional fulfillment. They believe that their natural sexual desires can be satisfied without any emotional consequences or requirement of their sexual partner to want them beyond the act of sex. I strongly disagree with this notion. The only women who are able to rid themselves of any emotional draw to their sexual partners are prostitutes and women who are suffering from deeper personal issues and use sex as a means to mask/soothe those issues. In other words, women generally lack the ability to have sex with a man without developing some emotional connection/feelings toward him. The woman who consents to sleeping with a man after she is made aware that he does not want a commitment from her will still develop feelings for this man. The woman who has a boyfriend/husband but decides to sleep with another man solely for sexual gratification will eventually develop feelings for that man. The woman who convinces herself that she can remain emotionally unattached to the man she is sleeping with is fooling herself. Therefore, the problem usually arises when women sleep with men before having clearly established a mutual understanding of their relationship.

When is the appropriate time (for a category 2 woman) to sleep with a man? I took an unscientific straw poll of my male friends prior to penning this blog and almost all the men believed that the best time was whenever the woman was ready, but preferably sooner rather than later—-generally within the first two months of dating. But when I asked the men whether they were always prepared to commit to (i.e., date exclusively) the woman during this time, the general consensus was—no. So if a woman almost always develops an emotional bond to a man once she has sex with him, and if a man isn’t willing to commit to a woman in the time frame that he expects to have sex with her, then how do we reconcile this?

: “I thought you liked me!”

Ever wonder why Michelle seems to have gone stark crazy over Sean even when Sean is not her boyfriend/husband? She calls him 100 times for the day, she slashes his tires and keys his car because Sean hasn’t returned her calls; she is standing outside his home screaming profanities to express her anger at the way she was treated. 99 times out of 100, whether she recognizes it or not, Michelle’s heightened frustration is because she has slept with Sean. Herein lies the sex conundrum!

This problem can be rectified with a few ~~simple~~ steps. Women should refrain from sleeping with men until they have had a discussion with their sexual partner and feel comfortable that he will embrace the emotional desires that will emerge once she has slept with him. In other words, women must recognize and become honest with the additional demands they will likely place on their partner after they have sex with them. I am not condoning the act of dangling sex in front of a man’s face like a carrot in order to get what she wants. But it is important for men and women to recognize the depth of emotion that sex has on a woman (and sometimes men as well) and both parties must be prepared to handle the change that will inevitably come if a commitment is not established before sex occurs.

: “Where is this relationship headed?”

Within one to two months of meeting a woman most men aren’t prepared to answer the question, “where is this going and what are your epxectations” (and I doubt that a woman can be sure of her answer within this time frame as well). Therefore, the best solution to this unidentified problem is…….wait for it…….women should wait until they have a clear understanding as to the expectations and goals of a man prior to sleeping with him and men should start thinking about their own expectations of a woman as they contemplate the idea of getting the woman into bed.
Men and women have sex too early in their “relationship”. What is the requisite amount of time that a man should wait and a woman should hold out? As long as Sean is unsure of how to answer the question “where is this going and what are your expectations” Michelle should refrain from sleeping with him because she will quickly become weary of Sean’s inability to answer that question once she sleeps with him. On the flip side, men should not provide a woman with a false hope of something more than sex simply to get a woman into bed. Her heart is attached to her body, so if he wants her body he must be prepared to take her heart as well. A man should consider his desire to sleep with a woman in conjunction with his desire (or lack thereof) to commit to her.

The new-age concept of “friends with benefits” is a fallacy for a woman. Maybe it’s time to revive the days when a man wrote a note asking “do you want to go steady? check the box” before he expects a woman to sleep with him.

Filed under: Adultery, Change, Dating, Gender, Love, Sex Tagged: commitment, conversation, Dating, husband, love, marriage, men, relationship, sex, single, wife, women

A Parent’s Words A Child’s Self Esteem

LIST — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:36:09 +0000

It's a Curl!

A few weeks ago I logged into my Facebook account and realized the format had changed (again!). But then my eyes quickly glanced at the 4^th post in my newsfeed which was the picture of the cutest baby girl I had ever seen. It was posted by a childhood friend of mine (we’ll refer to him as “Joe”), and the caption of the picture read “yeah [insert baby’s name] got that good hair”. As if it were instinctual, I left a comment under the post that said “leave it to black ppl…” It only took Joe a few minutes before he replied stating that his comment was out of pocket (translation: inappropriate).

Although Joe has posted a plethora of pictures of his baby girl, which illustrates his love and adoration for her, I could not help but think about the effect that such a statement could have on a black girl growing up in our society. Most of us have heard about the famous 1940s Clark Doll Experiment in which two African-American psychologists used black and white dolls to study children’s attitudes toward race. The experiment was recreated in 2006, to similar results—children believed that the characteristics of the white doll made it a nicer doll than the black doll.

So what was my frustration with my friend’s comment?

Being a parent is one of the most honorable jobs that can be bestowed upon a person, and it is also one of the most challenging jobs one could ever have. Despite the success I may garner in my professional career, if I failed as a parent, then all of my other successes would be irrelevant. One could write a book on the various ways that I could fail as a parent, but as it pertains to my current point, if I raise a child who isn’t proud of who he/she is, then I would have failed in some aspects of my parenting. Now I’m not saying that if parents don’t raise perfect children then they have failed in life–nowadays society has a stronghold on the values we might try to instill in our kids. But black children will face an abundance of challenges growing up; therefore, it is important to instill confidence into them at an early age.

Joe could use the Aibeleen Clark approach and tell his daughter on a daily basis that she is beautiful, smart, and important. Or rather, Joe may also try to ensure that his words or thoughts about his daughter’s characteristics do not give rise to negative self-images about herself. For instance, saying that his daughter has “good hair” shows his belief that some hair textures are good and others are bad. At three months old, there is no telling whether the texture of his baby’s hair will be the same soft and luscious locks that his daughter will have when she turns two. Is his “good hair” statement a precursor to one day having his daughter sit in her room blasting India Arie in an effort to love herself more?

Be careful of your thoughts, because they become your words.

Does your hair feel like mine?

If a parent–especially a father to his daughter–believes that there are certain physical characteristics that makes a person better than another, that parent is adding the primary ingredient to the recipe for his child to develop self-esteem issues. We all know that kinky hair is no better than straight hair if you know how to comb a child’s hair (don’t confuse easier to manage with being good). I often remind myself that I need to kick my height complex before I have a son so that he doesn’t grow up believing that his height is an inadequacy because his mother prefers taller men. At a young age, kids become aware of the differences in their features and will naturally question whether those features make them better or worse. The best illustration of this is the 2009 image of the son of a White House staff member who met President Obama in the Oval Office. The little boy–likely recognizing the importance in the man that stood in front of him, was curious to know whether the President’s hair felt like his. President Obama obliged in quelling the boy’s curiosity by leaning over and allowing the boy to touch his hair. Such a simple but powerful gesture only reinforces the fact that children at a young age recognize and place a level of value in certain physical characteristics. As a result, it is important to ensure that kids don’t view their own physical characteristics as better than or worse than another individual.

For all my parents out there, never forget that your words and thoughts are powerful tools in the development of your child.

Filed under: Gender, Race, School Tagged: Black, black men, black women, children, discrimination, parenting, race, racism, self-esteem, self-image

Jay-Z In Georgetown University Classroom

LIST — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 13:53:25 +0000

Anyone who knows me is aware that I have an ~~slight~~ infatuation with Jay-Z. So needless to say, I was over the moon to find out that one of the most prominent professors/authors of modern African-American culture is teaching a class solely dedicated to ~~my boyfriend~~ Jay-Z at my alma mater. Where was this class when I was in school? I would have lined up at 7 am in order to take it. But really, is Jay-Z worthy of having a 75-minute 3 credit college course dedicated solely to him?

As much as I love Jay-Z, I think this class is premature and untenable. Michael Eric Dyson is known for his ability to be a fantastic wordsmith, but regardless of how one spins this, teaching about Jay-Z’s success, breadth of “work” and lifestyle is premature. I recognize this is a sociology class and Professor Dyson apparently wants to focus on pop culture, but what about teaching about the wide aray of hip hop artists who have influenced pop culture (i.e., Dead Prez, Tribe, Run DMC, Mob Deep, and the list goes on…)?

Of course most students would prefer to take a class discussing Jay-Z versus someone like the iconic Nelson Mandela; but without a doubt, the life of Mandela can provide us with more insight than Jigga. Of course Mandela is no Jay-Z but he spent 27 years in prison and later became the President of the country who imprisoned him (versus president of a record label) and has been hands down one of the most influential people in the world.

When professors highlight the success of Jay-z to college students then are we saying that going from selling drugs in your community to attaining a corner office by rapping about bi*ches and pushing weight (that’s crack/coke for my non-hip hop readers) with a sprinkle of consciousness (i.e., Mr. President there’s drugs in our residence tell me what you want me to do, come break bread with us) is successful enough to warrant a class about one’s life? That’s one way to make a college student realize that their $100k education is waste of time.

In a recent Forbes article, Professor Dyson explains his class on Jay-Z: “I wanted to investigate his career as not only a Horatio-Alger-in-blackface, rags-to-riches story, but as a person who, were he alive during the period of ancient Greece, would be regarded as a god in terms of literary and poetic expression.” Jay-Z has mastered the art of double and triple entendres but, a “god in terms of literary and poetic expression”, a Horatio Alger of our day?—sounds to me like Professor Dyson drank the kool-aid on this one.

If we are lauding Jay-Z in our university classrooms, then how can we tell children in the “hood” that their dreams to become a drug dealer turned rapper are wrong? Perhaps Professor Dyson believes that this homage to Jay-Z will get him into Jay-Z’s close circle (Professors desire to be cool too), or earn him front row tickets to the upcoming Jay-Z concert in Washington, DC. Regardless of his intent, Professor Dyson should have chosen someone other than my boyfriend Jay-Z—and that says a lot for anyone who understands my love for Jay-Z.

Filed under: Books, Change, Culture, Politics, Race, School Tagged: Black, culture, Dyson, Georgetown University, hip hop, Jay-Z, music, Nelson Mandela, race, rap, school, teach, University, white men, women

Forgive. Trust. Love.

LIST — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 14:30:44 +0000

I recently came across this quote: “Look back in forgiveness, look forward in trust, [live] now in love.” At first glance I considered it yet another ordinary quote. But like most things I read/hear, I stored it away and processed it later. As I was flying home, sitting quietly with my thoughts, I started to think about those 12 simple words and realized that it surmised how I try to live my life. Admittedly I am far from perfect, and oftentimes struggle with the forgiveness, trust and love actions. But If I could live according to those words life would continue to bring me an abundance of happiness.
Let me take a moment to break down these three acts.

Forgiveness

I try not to look back unless it’s to remind myself of previous life lessons. But at times, I reflect on the past with a bitter heart–to remind myself of when I’ve been wronged. Healing begins with forgiveness. An apology isn’t necessary before we start to forgive (and oftentimes that apology may never come). We don’t forgive to let others off the hook. Rather, we forgive to allow our broken hearts to mend. A bitter heart will not trust nor can it receive love.

Trust

I battle with these five letters on a daily basis. I trust two people in the entire world–that’s myself and God. Well maybe just God–sometimes I can’t trust myself when left to my own devices. Okay, if I’m really going to be honest, at times I’ve questioned my faith in Him as well. Bottom line, I have trust issues. For some, trusting is easy, but I’ve tried a couple approaches: trust until the person gives you a reason not to trust him/her; stay weary until you have built up trust in a person. None of these have been 100% effective. I am not going to try to proffer advice on something I may never master. But I do know that being able to trust and to be trusted is a fundamental requirement to a happy life.

Love

Live now in love. Can someone love if he/she hasn’t learned to forgive and trust? The answer is likely no, but I may have found a loophole! Living in love is what maintains my happiness. I love to see others succeed, I love to see others happy, I love to find the best characteristics in everyone. Okay, maybe I’ve redefined love. But like I mentioned above, I have trust and forgiveness issues, so this is my workaround. If we’re talking about love–like ~~handing over~~ sharing my heart–then I still have some work to do in that regard. But I’ve tried to demonstrate my love to those who matter the most to me, in the best way I can.

I told you those twelve simple words packed a big punch. Take some time to reflect on what the quote means to you and whether you live your life accordingly.

Filed under: Adultery, Aging, Change, Cheating, Dating, Love, Marriage Tagged: Dating, family, forgiveness, heartbroken, husband, love, men, relationship, single, trust, wife, women

My Year in Review

LIST — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 20:27:50 +0000

I was digging through the archives and saw that I penned this but never posted. Better late than never I suppose. Since a new year is almost over I thought it would be good to remember what last year was like as I prepare to reflect on the upcoming new one:

Ten days until the end of the first decade of the new millennia, and what a year it has been! I celebrated as new life entered the world, and mourned as others departed. I had highs, lows, laughter, joy and pain. I acquired a deeper appreciation for my family and the important role they play in my life. I forged new friendships, and strengthened the bonds with old friends while offering advice, hugs and a shoulder and getting the same in return. I made my way back to Africa and visited the Bahamas and Jamaica (twice), and celebrated embraced my entry into the thirty and over club. I learned why I love being an attorney (even though I publicly bemoan it) and what the joy of same-sex marriage and the repeal of DADT means to the people that matter to me most. At times I thought I was living a fabulous dream and needed someone to pinch me, while other times, I wanted to wake up from what seemed like a terrible nightmare. I cleaned out the closet and chucked up my deuces. This blog was born. In the end, I have so much to be thankful for and proud of, on my journey to self-improvement.

As I reflect on the year and my accomplishments (or lack thereof), I recognized that I am truly truly BLESSED! Here’s to an even better 2011!

Happy Holidays!

Filed under: Uncategorized

Unanswered Prayers

LIST — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 18:15:26 +0000

Have you ever prayed to God (Allah, Jehovah, Buddha, Shen or whoever guides you spiritually) in hopes that (S)He would answer your prayers, but the prayers were to no avail? I’m sure we’ve all experienced a time or two where we felt as if this one prayer were answered then life would be so much better.

Maybe He’s telling you to stop dwelling on the wrong guy, women, or job. Or maybe He’s trying to tell you that He has bigger and greater things in store, so even though you didn’t get that promotion, award, acknowledgement, or acceptance you prayed so hard about, you should continue to live in faith. Your prayer was unanswered for a reason. That reason may not demonstrate itself right now, but rest assured, I’ve never once had an unanswered prayer that I wasn’t thankful for. Sometimes our inability to see beyond the now deprives us of realizing that not all prayers should be answered in the manner in which we ask for it.

So, instead of closing your eyes to pray for that thing you’ve prayed for a million times before, wait in stillness. Because of that unanswered prayer, better things are in store for you!

Filed under: Change, Religion Tagged: God, loss, need, prayer, want

What’s Your Excuse?

LIST — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 17:41:33 +0000

“If someone asks why are you still single, tell them you were born that way.”

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you already understand my disdain with the many articles and books that have been published about why (black) women are single. Every now and again, I’ll speak to someone and in a bewildered tone, they say, “I can’t understand why you’re single.” It’s oftentimes followed by an awkward pause as they await my explanation, or a quip such as “at night, horns grow out of my head”. I’ve considered walking around with a list to provide said inquirer with a litany of reasons that may quell their curiosity.

Ironically, as I recently celebrated another year of life on this earth, I expect that this question will come up more frequently (unless I implement OFAM*). Nevertheless, the next time I’m asked why I’m single, I will be prepared. I won’t have to pull out a list, nor will there be any awkward pauses. The answer will simple be—I was born this way! I never thought I needed an excuse, but now that Lady Gaga is the recent celebrity to coin the term, it may carry more weight in silencing the critics.

So ladies (I direct it at the ladies because this question isn’t posed to men nearly as often), the next time someone wants to know why you don’t have a man, tell them “I WAS BORN THIS WAY–what’s your excuse.” Of course, if you have a twin, you will have to come up with another witty/snarky response.

*OFAM = Operation Find A Man

Filed under: Dating, Love, Marriage Tagged: birthday, Black, black women, conversation, Dating, husband, love, marriage, men, relationship, single, wife

What’s Your Answer?

LIST — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 21:21:06 +0000

“Sometimes the answer is as simple as…(s)he faked the whole thing”

We have all had at least one experience that has blindsided us in a negative way (if you haven’t then stop reading this post because you have more living to do!). I am referring to the friendship/relationship that ended on a bad note and you didn’t see it coming. It doesn’t have to be a relationship with a significant other, it might have been a friend or a family member that you were forced to cut out of your life. You were left without the answers that we all believe we need to get “closure” (a word I find very overrated) or you receive an answer that ranks high on the BS-OMeter.

The ~~over-thinker~~ philosopher in me used to spend brain power trying to decipher the answers to questions like how did things go awry? What could I have done differently to affect the outcome? Why was I so naive to this impending disaster? (yes, I talk to myself often) Nowadays I rarely dwell on the answers to these questions. To quell the desire to seek closure from the person who caused me harm, I adopted the mantra “that’s life” (my PG version of sh*t happens). If that response doesn’t suffice, my new answer will be “(s)he faked the whole thing”–the person you thought (s)he was just isn’t who (s)he is so accept it and keep it moving.

So the next time you can’t figure out why your prince charming turned out to be a jerk, or if you’re wondering why the guy you called your homie constantly speaks badly about you, just tell yourself–(s)he faked the whole thing! You may never obtain the answer you’re looking for from the one who caused you pain; therefore, creating your own answer may be all that we need to move on.

Filed under: Change, Love Tagged: answers, Dating, family, game, heartbroken, knowledge, love, relationship

Change

LIST — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 21:10:04 +0000

“Have no fear of change. Losing something good could be making room for something great!”

Change used to be one of the most crippling actions for me. The only things I didn’t mind changing often were my underwear and my hair. For most children, consistency is key. Some adults become bored with a monotonous life, but for a long time, I woke up everyday embracing the monotony. I took comfort in knowing that my day would be the same as the one that came before it. And with each day, a fear of change grew deeper.

~~One day~~ Over the course of time, I embraced the notion that losing something ~~good~~ enabled me to make room for something great. Lack of change was holding me back. Not wanting to let go of friends who had almost redefined the definition of friend to foe, holding on to relationships that I knew were heading nowhere out of fear of embracing a better one. The fear that delving into something new may not bring the outcome that I desire.

Today I feel 100 times lighter and 1000 times happier–I embrace the outcome of what change brings! The seasons change so why shouldn’t you? Our attitude toward change determines the effect it will have on our lives. Looking back at who I used to be and who I am today, I’m grateful for all the good and bad changes I have experienced.

Filed under: Aging, Books, Change Tagged: change, friends, growth

30-Day Challenge

LIST — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 17:49:50 +0000

I know it’s been a minute since I penned a blog post, but I’m back! I have tons of draft topics but never seemed moved enough to finalize and post any of them. Well, I am ready to embark on the 30-day challenge. This came to mind when I began to re-read a book authored by J.L. Ford. I’ll save you the details as to how I obtained his book and got to know him (follow us on twitter and you can view our banter). In my first read of the book, I thought his quotes were an overly optimistic depiction of life. As I re-read it during my train rides in the morning, I realized that it helped me to start my day off in a good mood. I started to ask myself if I followed even one-third of his overly optimistic quotes, how much different could my life be?

With that question, evolved this 30-day challenge. JLF’s book—Wear Yes on Your Heart includes hundreds of quotes and wise sayings related to life, relationships and love which provide me with a wealth of topics to blog about. For the next 30 days I will choose one of those quotes and extrapolate on my thoughts on its meaning.

Disclaimer: I was not involved in the publication of the book, and receive no proceeds from any copies sold–but I suggest picking it up and supporting an African-American author.

Filed under: Books, Dating, Gender, Love